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Awful, awful, awful, the way my book goes on about me so-- I mean, that is the point of it, yes, but the way it phrases me is so dreadful I can barely stand to read it (or to listen to it, as in this case Julian has acquired an audiobook of it). Ugh, and, it's all things that haven't happened to me and never will do, I suspect,- it's all very odd but I think, these days, that accessing my own world is behind me. Oh, I don't know, if you're going to follow the psychological explanation for plurality anyway you might as well realise that the world I thought of as "mine" isn't actually real but is a product of my (our) imagination. I can't really bear to think of it that way, because I miss Harry so much. I'm sure-- the way it works- that he could very well be conjured up by our brain in a similar manner to how I was once conjured up, but... Well, I don't know. I'm going to stop thinking about it now before I hurt my head. Suffice to say Harry was the best friend I ever had.

Carrying on, we went to see an adaptation of Swan Lake to-day. Excellent stuff, although Julian only remembered to wake me up for it some 10 minutes after it had already begun, but I've been told I didn't miss much. It was some sort of modern adaptation and nothing like what I recall; Yes, Tchaikovsky's works were all as untouched, but the play (ballet) in itself was much altered, they'd done a sort of homosexual take on the whole thing. The Prince was a very dashing young man who fell in love with an equally dashing (albeit somewhat unusual) swan-man who, I think, was just called The Swan. It was very good, I must say, and not only because there were half-naked dancers running around in swan outfits looking very attractive. Julian enjoyed it too, I think. Well, it's always nice to see something that takes a classic and reinvents it to be something a little more "queer" (ha ha ha). It's one thing I like about modernity- there's an awful lot of freedom to be had in regards to being a man in love with other men!

Finally, I suppose I might as well mention what else has been happening in my life. Not much, that is hardly a surprise, but I have sent off a few letters to people whom I hoped would become my penpals. No replies as of yet; hardly surprised about that, either. I will say that I find it incredibly frustrating - not to mention a little depressing - to be so willfully ignored; not necessarily by those who cannot access front to actually reply to my letters, but rather those who have easy and absolute access to front but still find it unimportant to respond to me. Just because I live in someone else's head (ha ha) does not mean I'm going to take willingly to being ignored; d'you know, I'm probably much more likely to kick up a fuss about it than Julian is, and I'm the imaginary one here! It does rather piss me off, I will say that much, to be viewed so lowly simply because I do not "exist", or I, at least, do not "exist" on a similar level of importance to Julian who - blessed be to God - couldn't really care less about being treated as more important than I. That's something! If only it applied to others!

Largely I'm upset about not having my own friends, and not being able to speak to people- really speak to people. No one cares about me. I'm a damn well more worth caring about than I currently am cared about, if that makes sense to you. And I'm not satisfied with speaking to headmates; that not only gets so very boring, but I don't even get to experience anything fun. Oh, sure, Julian would very happily let me do things if it weren't for the fact that-- being a rather social creature-- I've no-one to do it with (again, let's simply ignore the headmate; it's so boring to spend all my time with just one person regardless). Agh!!!!!! One must express their frustration somehow; I suppose doing it through an online medium is better than nothing. Ha.

I've rambled a little, and for that I can't even apologise. I just wish that someone would, for God's sake, spend time with me in some way.-- And not say they are going to and then decide I'm not worth the effort. If it's something I can't stand it's when others disagree with my ego which claims - rather rightly - that I am at least deserving of some attention!

Edit: Oh, and before I say anything else I will mention that I have no clue where N is and it is not my responsibility to take care of the guests. Thank you, Jules, that's enough. He can bloody well sod off for all I care.


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D. G.

April 2015

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